Dream

Hi Mon Ange,

There's a lot of fat-trimming that needs to be done here, and a lot of bridges that need to be established. There is so much in the way of revision that I doubt the piece is worth saving. Have a look to the suggestions below and see if it is not stronger for the changes.


Dream


"I dream of a man
whose hopes never end[:]
of love that won[']t cost
a [bitter-sweet] (sweet bitter) sin[.]"

****I don't understand how the first two lines go with the last two. Is it the man's love? Or just love that won't cost you anything? The ambiguity needs to be clarified.****

"Flames that don[']t dim[,]
no pieces to be glued,
or tightening the lynch
for my lie to conclude[.]"

****This is near incomprehensible. It does not reveal to me what the "bitter-sweet sin" of the first stanza is, nor does it seem to have a general direction at all. "Flames that don't dim" is nonsensical; "no pieces to be glued" makes me wonder what flames have to do with puzzles; "tightening the lynch" is senseless -- you cannot "tighten" that which is unlawful; "lie to conclude" is another random interjection, with no forerunner. You may benefit from an entire removal of this stanza.****

"The devil[']s obscurity[,]
slowly taking heed[,]
[diminishing] (deminishing) my life
[to] (for) my simple greed[.]"

****Again, this has no relevance to any other stanza. A poem is a fluid piece, yes: it digresses, moves, shakes, floats; however, a fluid must be all one, as well.****

"I dream of a man"

***Why do you dream of a man? Why not a WOman? Or an angel, since he has the "face of" one?****

"whose life is just[,]
with [the] (a) face of an angel
and unkindly lust[.]"

****"lust" and "angel" do not go together. "Unkindly lust" has me wondering about the "just" life the man lives. Does this mean he is a rapist? Or is it the angel? To whom is "unkindly lust" attributed? Without punctuation, we will never know.****

"No plagues to ravage
my heart into fear
of memories fading
with each solemn tear[.]"

****When you think "poetry," think "fluid: a body of mass that has interconnected molecules that flow." Your poem has no fluidity, no rigidity -- just fragmentation. The first two lines need better enjambment: "No plagues to ravage" sounds as though you want to ravage a plague, but then, reading on, it says, "(ravage /) my heart into fear," and I ask, "How does a plague have anything to do with the rest of the piece? How does a plague 'ravage' your 'heart into fear'? These are whimsical inanities."****

"A wanderer I shall be[.]"

****No relevance to any other portion of this poem.****



Good luck!